The mysterious rash of tree murders sweeping our nation

A rash of tree murders have popped up in my neighborhood. Trees, 6 feet or so tall, primarily of pine ethnicity, cut down in the prime of life, reportedly the corpses are put on display for bizarre rituals while the tree carcasses are still fresh, and then the dead trees are dumped unceremoniously on the street where cleanup crews have to work extra shifts to clean up the carnage.

We hear reports these murders are going on not just in our town, but around the country, and perhaps, if reports are correct, around the world.

Who knows why these tree murders are happening? It's a puzzling mystery that is now several years old. Looking back in the records we see similar flurries of tree murders every year. It's not clear even how long this has happened or even what the real purpose is.

What we do know is that, if our numbers are accurate, and we hope they aren't, the slaughter numbers in the millions every year. How can so many trees be brutally slain every year and nobody says a peep?